Whats Sad About Saddam

Isn't it sad that they can only hang a guy like Saddam Hussein once? I really do hope that it was filmed and that the footage does get shown. And I wish they could have taken his sons and his other various henchmen with him. I have to give the new leadership some credit, I admired the QUICK justice . . . Its too bad we give all the rights to the criminals and not the victims in our own country. Well, I am just thankful we won't be able to choke to death on our own democracy in my lifetime. I can't believe how bad it has gotten, but still we should be able to hang on a few more decades until we become a complete anarchy.

Even More Thankful

Well today was "hump" day and tomorrow I can start looking forward to another long holiday weekend which I hope to spend quietly at home, possibly calling and emailing friends to catch up a bit and so forth. The other day I admitted to finally figuring out that my glass may indeed actually be half full, after having denied that possiblity for many years. I have developed a saying recently that seems to help me in dealing with many situations. "It depends on your view." It seems in this world, as it has been said in the past, "every action has an equal and opposite reaction," or something to that effect. It also seems that for every person who hates someone or something, there are just as many people who love that person or thing. I personally hate tomatoes. But the rest of my entire family loves them. Does that mean tomatoes are bad? Not at all, it just depends on YOUR VIEW. And if I like tomato sauce, tomato paste and tomato soup, they can't be all bad, right? Granted, I still don't like tomato juice or stewed tomatoes, but . . . Well what I am realizing is MANY things in life share this same complexity. It is up to US to find the good things instead of merely focusing on the bad things we come into contact with.

That being said, I have been rethinking MANY things in my life in recent weeks. I have been amazed at the results. It is very eye opening. If you change your view, considering other angles, other uses, other possiblities . . . It is amazing how rich this world can make you. Because true wealth is not a physical place any more than it is an emotional or mental place. People with money have things they hate too! They just don't have to focus on them! Well damnit I don't either! I have rekindled old friendships, reinvestigated old hobbies, rewatched some old movies and started lookinginto my ancestry! All just so I can change my VIEW!!! Did you know there were over 300 VanHorn men in the Union Army during the Civil War? Almost 100 Confederates too! That is amazing!

All I know is I think I realized that life is short. Love what you have and who you know while you have the chance. Share all you can possibly afford with the ones you love most. Lead by example. Be a good witness. And above all else, be thankful because you don't have to look very far to see many people much less fortunate.

Life Insurance? Strife Insurance!

Strife (noun) 1. A lack of agreement or harmony [syn: discord] 2. A bitter conflict; heated, often violent dissension.

Yes, Strife Insurance is much more accurate! You'd think it'd be easy wouldn't you? Paula and I worked for the same company since we were married over NINE YEARS AGO. We both had life insurance, with each other as sole beneficiary. We were both current on our premiums, as I had even been paying hers monthly by check all these months while she was out of work on workman's comp leave (I'm no dummy) . . . But now that she has been gone almost 2 months, I STILL have not been able to get taken care of by Jefferson Pilot Insurance Company. So I am on ONE income with the same damn bills we had for TWO incomes. Yippee! Can you say creative financing? I haven't gone crazy yet, but do they think I need the added stress of looming bankruptcy in my life right now? And nobody seems in a big fucking hurry to help either. I can't blame my HR department, this seems to be the insurance company and their song and dance. THIS SUCKS!

BUT . . . Through it all . . . I remain positive. I still have many things to be thankful for and much to look forward to.

Thankful

I have been starting each day thinking of all I have to be thankful for. The reasons I do what I do. Even after all I have been through in the past year, I still have many things to be thankful for. Many. And even some new things that have came my way recently. It is amazing to me how many positive things can gravitate toward you when you open yourself up a little more.

I am so thankful for my family and friends. My sisters have always been my rock to fall back on when needed. They are always in my corner. My young nephews are two of the finest young men I have ever known, and I am proud for what small part I played in helping them turn out that way. My inlaws and their family who accept me as one of their own, as crazy as that may be.

My oldest friends, willing to sacrifice whatever is needed to keep in touch with me. Always keeping the home fire burning. Always. I can never forget that.

My new friends, even friends I have made the past few months. People have been so kind to me in so many ways, and supportive to a point of me feeling guilty for not trying even harder myself. There are more good people out there than you realize.

My closest friends. The people that get me through each day. That keep my fire lit. That are my constant reminder of how lucky I am. The people who remind me to be thankful.

This is just the beginning. What a way to start each day! Why did I feel so unlucky before?

Leaving the Dark Path

"Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will."
-- Yoda

As described earlier, the last 15+ years could be considered my "dark path" emotionally. I have decided it is time to seek a new direction. To open myself up to more and different possibilities. To be more outgoing and active, and to reclaim some of the ball mashing opinion slinging opportunity seeking performance of my past. I can be fun to be around! I can have a good time! I like to laugh. I like to ROCK! I have spent so much time being consumed by everything I thought was fucked up in my life that I had stopped doing and living the things that were and always have been great! How blind is that? I am NOT going to be consumed by the fucking black cloud I have imagined over me for the last decade and a half. Life doesn't ALWAYS have to suck! Know your obstacles, seek truth, find opportunity. DO IT.

This may sound like somebody has really changed my medication, LOL . . . And if it does, I advise you to tune out immediately. You are going to see some changes. You have been warned. I am done being the constant downer. I am not becoming the next Richard Simmons, but I am no longer going to be my own worst enemy either. Maybe I'll call it "Jim 3.0"

I am getting my "Jimness" back

It has been one hell of a year for me. In fact, the worst year ever. And honestly, this trainwreck started before the end of last year, it just got increasingly painful by the time this year began. But when I think about it, although this year was stressful on me emotionally, my physical problems go back many years, some as far back as the early 1980's. But it wasn't until 1990 when things got bad. I really changed in 1990. I got laid off from an excellent job at McDonnell Douglas (now Boeing) in St. Louis, and went 11 months without work. It damn near killed me. Then I went about 10 years (yes, TEN FUCKING YEARS) where I was underemployed (working my ass off and making little money) and during that period I really went downhill. And by downhill, I really mean off a cliff, with a thousand foot drop, hitting with a hard bounce, then into a black hole that began to spiral downward toward the entrance of the Gates of Hell. This was all BEFORE Paula got hurt.

Yes, I had tried off and on many times to do something to stop the freefall I was experiencing. But with little, temporary success that never lasted. Since 1999 I have been in the hospital no less than seven times (and it seems like more, I just can't remember them all) with the most recent being this past August. When I got home from that stay, I started thinking I wanted to get into better shape for when Paula got home. I was going to need to be stronger so I could take care of her better, and I needed to be less dependent on others for support anyway. So I began to work on myself with little changes. Paula was very happy I was trying so hard to take care of myself. But by that time, her world had gotten so small that sometimes I wasn't sure home much she understood what I was putting myself through. She was so racked with pain and so medicated most of the time that we didn't discuss "me" very much.

When Paula died, I was just stunned. I absolutely never thought it was going to come to this. Never. I knew she was very sick. It had gotten really bad. But I knew that they'd find the cause, and be able to get her to turn the corner. When that didn't happen, I was devistated. My first reaction was a tailspin. I wanted to skip the extra walking and exercises. I wanted to eat something. And I'm not talking veggies. I needed some comfort. Within a day I realized that I was doing it all wrong, and that I was not going to let myself go back to my old ways and lose the progress I had now worked two months to make.

My clothes were starting to fit differently. My walking was improving and my back/hip/leg/knee/foot pain was less. My stamina was improving, and my ability to work more hours was a definite plus. I couldn't allow myself to stop now. PLUS, I knew in my heart that Paula would want me to soldier on and get my "Jimness" back.

It's Been A While . . .

Well, its been a while since Paula passed away. October 27, 2006 was the day. My hometown Cardinals won the World Series that night, but all I could think of was losing my wife. I'll never forget the nine years I got to be married to the nicest girl I have ever known. I don't want to forget. Hell, if anything I want to remember. I hope my friends and family help me to do that. I am a strong person, and I am on the mend. The holiday season is totally different this year. It may never be the same as it was. But you know, the best part about Paula for me was that it didn't need to be Christmas or my birthday or our anniversary or whatever for her to treat me special. That girl loved me, 24/7, as much as she possibly could. Her heart was connected to mine. I won't ever lose that. This blog has started out as a place for me to go to talk. To update my friends, to rant about whatever was up at the moment, and to mention notable happenings in my life. For the past year, it was where I kept people updated on the saga of Paula's treatment. Paula liked me having a place to put my thoughts. She didn't especially like me using it to update her status. I know she'd want me to get back to what makes me ME.

So starting now, I am going to do just that. I loved my wife, and always will. Always. But now it is time to focus on JIM. Please feel free to continue reading, leave a comment if you'd like, or drop me a note. If you would like to leave a note about Paula, please check out the online guest book at the Chicago Sun Times website:
http://obits.suntimes.com/ChicagoSunTimes/GB/GuestbookView.aspx?PersonId=19911455

It will be a place where all family and friends can go to read and share stories about this great lady. Thank you!